Getting Lost

I am on a journey of self discovery, a journey to ‘find myself’ so to speak. And what have I discovered? Well, to put it in a way that a contemporary audience would understand:

Nothing. I know less about myself now than I did at 17- and that’s saying something. At 30 I thought I’d have it all together, not necessarily a house, kids and the husband to match, but at least that I could describe myself- really describe myself- in three words.

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Yup, still drawing a blank.

So, as I sit here with my raw vegan mud cake and my matcha latte why not surmise what’s on my mind?

I am in Canggu in Bali right now. After being the ‘always had a goal’ gal I decided to quit my great job working internationally in Bangkok and become a backpacker without any plans. Yup, oldest backpacker in the world. I’m still convinced that it is BAGpacker because all you do it pack and repack your bags! And don’t get me started on the packing process because I can’t even find my underwear never mind myself!

I thought about going for an inspirational post: discuss my yoga and meditation, share the lessons from the healer I saw yesterday, reminisce about the calm I feel looking out over a cliff top…but this is not how it is flowing for me right now so I thought I’d attempt ‘funny’, feel free to criticise me if I fail miserably.

The truth is I’ve had an opportunity to do yoga a million times a day and I’ve done it about five; I attempted to be a vegetarian but the chicken sate got me every time; I aimed to start every day with a morning jog and it has happened one and a half times (how does the half even happen?); I saw a healer and my restless legs got me irritated; I gave up coffee only to become addicted to matcha lattes; I planned to blog every day and this is my first post in six weeks…find yourself FAIL.

I have found myself (oh the irony!) wanting to scream because I don’t know who I am or what I want. Isn’t time away from everyone and everything supposed to bring clarity? Isn’t throwing off the shackles of a routine meant to bring a calm alertness to my mind? Isn’t all this chatter in my mind meant to ease with the soft blow of the wind through my sea swept hair?

Breathe.

I love an inspirational quote, ask any of my friends, my Instagram feed is full of them, I drive my friends crazy on Facebook with yet another daily dose of inspiration. I can also talk the talk, giving good advice and words of wisdom (or so I’ve been told.) My problem? Not following through with my own words. I am my biggest critic and I often compare myself to my past self- teenage Claire who knew it all and genuinely didn’t care what people thought. Am I not supposed to be lost at 17 and found at 30?

And there lies the problem…

The constant wondering, the constant thinking, and the constant questioning. I need to just shut up. The truth is I don’t need to have a 5 year plan, heck I don’t even have a 5 week plan! I don’t need to have any of the answers because as I desperately search for them life is slowly passing me by, breath by breath. I need to remember: I am not looking for something, I am experiencing everything.

So, there you are. I’m a metaphorical mess who needs to chill the chatter in my head by just doing things I enjoy and not wondering ‘where next?’ or ‘what next?’ or ‘who next?’ Because, my friends, the beauty of life is that we never know what is around the corner…so there is absolutely no point in looking.

Peace x

 

Travel: I HEART you!

I am in a stage in my life where I feel it is time to move on from living in South East Asia; six years in Thailand- although AMAZING- is, potentially, done for me.

Saying that, as I sit and type and stare out into the blues and greens of the sea in Gili Trawangan, I second guess myself.

And why wouldn’t I? I mean look at it…

Living in Thailand means I have so much more disposable income than I had when working in Ireland or the UK…which means I get to come somewhere like here for my half- term break.

I’m a teacher, in case you haven’t worked that one out yet. I travel almost every half term, as I said the disposable income I have allows for this.

Since December 2015, I have travelled to: Sri Lanka for Christmas; India for New Year and my friend’s Indian wedding; Malaysia for a PD course; New Zealand for April half- term; America for the summer (Seattle, San Juan Islands, San Francisco, Yosemite, Las Vegas baby! San Diego and Los Angeles) and now I’m in Bali…and my parents wonder why I don’t have any savings?

I have plans, plans, plans for every holiday from now until the middle of next year: home to Ireland and maybe Myanmar for December and January; Tanzania for a service project with school in February; Australia in April and I have many, many ideas for my summer holidays…

…unless I move that is.

Move to where though? I have the American dream. I love it there and feel so at home in many parts of it. I think the country is so diverse and  beautiful in many different ways. Sure I won’t be fitting in nine countries within a year but a lot of me could opt out of this for a place to settle, to drop my bags and call home (next to my wonderful home Ireland that is.)

Then there is the allure of applying all over the world to see what becomes of it…becomes of me.

I am definitely happy, yet something in me knows it’s time to move on. The question that remains is where…

And that, my friend, is the beauty of life.

Peace x